Despite what others think, I am not a CEO

Photo credit: Julian Jagtenberg.

“What is it like when the words ‘founder’ and ‘CEO’ flash beneath your name now,” asked a long-time friend. She meant well, obviously.

I chuckled wisely, whatever that means, because apparently, that’s what new founders do.

“I am not a CEO,” I replied, to my friend’s confusion.

I am a personal assistant

I wake up every day to review our product timeline and determine how achievable the next milestone is. I shoot a few WhatsApp messages to my co-founder and tech guys, trying to outline their work for the day. Then, I ask them a few questions and make a few declarations very similar to the ones below:

• Any problems with the server?
• Do you need me to talk to the customer service?
• Is the wifi strong enough?
• The junior coder called in sick today? What did she eat yesterday? I’m calling her.
• Does everybody have coffee?
• Do you need me to draft this email for you?
• Let me work on these Help Center articles. You go ahead and handle that other thing.
• Here’s all the research, comparisons, beta test questions, traffic numbers, reference images, and the unicorn blood you asked for.
• Can I schedule 10 Twitter posts on your behalf? I definitely won’t find the time to do it but I want you to want me.
• What do you need? Tell me. TELL ME!

This is 200% accurate.

I am a non-tech goober

I may not like it and I definitely don’t say it out loud in public, but I am.

In the past, I used to be a Photoshop-wielding-PERL-coding-Windows-hacking-DHTML-spouting rock star with shiny CSS 2.0 buttons stuck to my shoulder lapels and my own background music. I was learning how to build buildings and earning pocket money from all the logos and flash websites I designed.

But that was a long time ago. No, let me do this right— that was a loooooooong time ago 🙄 .

Now, I can still wield Photoshop better than most, but most of the time I find myself:

• Reviewing the UI
• Conducting tests on the UX with my beta babies
• Obsessing over font sizes
• Gaping at my tech team when they tell me my idea won’t work because in order to make it work we might need to hack into a Level 5 Chunk Server in Sweden, and we can’t afford to go to jail
• Breathing heavily when they support something I designed

I know that even though I’m not professionally trained to code, my background allows me to understand what my tech team talks about. I use a popular method called the “Wildly Grasp at Familiar Words to Make Sense of What They’re Saying” method.

I am a world-class stalker

I am a therapist