Which type of Mario Kart player are you?

Last night a group of friends and I came together to play Mario Kart 8 and as I played, I had a strong sense of deja vu. For many of these friends, it was the first time we had ever played Mario Kart together, yet I knew I had played with these people before.

Then I had an epiphany!

Mario Karters can be split into four unique categories, each with its own strengths and weaknesses, and once you’ve played against one of these types, you’ve played against them all. Most importantly, I realised that once you know your enemy, you can defeat them. Or at the very least, make them get pizza. So read on to uncover the mysteries of the Mario Karter, and how to defeat them.

Four types of karter!

1) The Pro

This person has played a lot of Mario Kart. As children they had forsaken the outdoors in favor of the mastering the Lightning Cup, they spent their teenage years googling Princess Peach erotica and mastering Mario Kart 64. The Pro knows every twist and turn of every map in every Mario Kart since the beginning of time itself and is the most formidable foe you will meet on the Mario Kart track.

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The Pro can torment us with drifting skills, and drive us crazy with the godlike ability to recover from any turtle-shell impact, and avoid any obstacle.

There is only one sure fire way to take down a Pro: an alliance of like-minded characters. Now many would say this is against the rules, I say to hell with that. If the other three racers all put their minds to it, they can ruin any Pro’s day, and sometimes the truest victory isn’t winning, it’s seeing the best player fail.

But be warned, the Pro’s tantrums can be both spectacular and dangerous to behold. Expect swearing and possible cushion throwing.

2) The Natural

Nobody likes the the Natural. The Natural walks into a room and says “Is that Mario Kart? I played it once during college,” sits down and proceeds to mercilessly defeat everyone in the room. This is the one who, after coming first, asks you how you do “that cool slidey” thing. I repeat, nobody likes a Natural.