Taking a fan to a gun fight: the 5 worst weapons in Asian gaming

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Asia has created some of the greatest gaming weaponry of all time, from Cloud’s Buster Sword to Bayonetta’s badass hairdo. With the good comes the bad, and for every awe-inspiring Sword of Sparda, there’s something equally useless.

So here it is, Asia’s most useless weapons:

1. Wakka’s Blitzball

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You can say a lot of things about Final Fantasy X (FFX) but it was not a game of memorable weapons. Boring weapons can be forgiven, but useless ones cannot, and FFX features not once but twice on this list. Conclusion: Sin’s toxins mess with the the ability to chose weapons.

Say what you will about Blitzball being one hell of a mini-game, but let’s face it: balls belong on the pitch and not on the battlefield. That’s the first reason why Wakka’s choice of an oversized volleyball to defend the world-saving Sin-slayer is bizarre.

And let’s remember that Wakka isn’t even that good at Blitzball, and during his time captaining the Besaid Aurochs, the team never won a single game! So he’s not even that good with the damn thing! What’s makes it worse is that Wakka is the one who gives Tidus his sword, for godsake man use the damn thing yourself!

2. The drill bucket

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Say what you will about Dead Rising 2 but it was a game with some seriously imaginative weaponry. After all, this is the game that allowed you to combine a sledgehammer and a fire-axe into the ultimate zombie-masher. That being said, not all imaginative creations are equal and the drill bucket proves that.

(See: The 5 worst things about JRPGs)

The drill bucket is exactly what it sounds like: a bucket with drills sticking out of it. Oh, and it only works by placing it on a zombie-head. Anyone who has played Dead Rising 2 knows when an undead horde is bearing down on you, you don’t have time to give each zombie a lobotomizing hat.

3. Yukiko’s fan

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Persona 4’s cast are a well-armed bunch of teenagers; they have everything from blades, to large lumps of metal and guns. Hell, Teddy even has claws! Yet, hanging out amongst this well-armed group is a fan-wielding schoolgirl terrifying exactly no-one. Come on Yukiko, it’s a fan, and unless you plan on tickling shadows to death, then you really need to re-think your battle strategy.

I mean she doesn’t even hit them with the fan, she throws it at them. Seriously, a frisbee would be more intimidating!

4. Squall’s gunblade

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Okay, Final Fantasy VIII is my favorite Final Fantasy and it pains me to include the gunblade, but seriously that weapon is freaking useless. So it’s a sword with a gun handle, how does that make it any different from any other sword? In fact the only difference is that the gunblade has a handle designed for a completely different weapon.

(See: The 5 best JRPGs you can play on iOS and Android)

In fact the only thing worse than adding a trigger to a sword, is making you hold the blade itself. And the only thing the gunblade guarantees is broken trigger fingers. Also, what does pulling the trigger on a gunblade actually do?

5. Lulu’s doll

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Congratulations to FFX for being the only game to make it onto this list twice, with the addition of Lulu’s weapon. Yeah that’s right, it’s a doll. Possibly the only thing worse than a fan in combat is a doll. I mean come on, if you can enchant inanimate objects would you use it on a moogle toy? Couldn’t you enchant a box of swords? Or a giant statue?

You could have made your doll as badass as possible by adding some metal, or giving it a sword! But you didn’t, and that squishy toy isn’t going to save Yuna from the wrath of that giant hellhound with a craving for summoner face. Seriously, Yuna has the worst taste in guardians.

So there you have it, the most useless weapons in Asian gaming history. Do you have any additions, or do you just think I’m wrong? Have your say in the comments!


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