If you're one of these 4 types of gamers, shoot yourself

Rishi Alwani
11:30 am on Aug 4, 2014

We gamers can be a united bunch. We made Microsoft go back on its ghastly idea for the digital future of gaming, we show our love to old school games in the hopes of them getting resurrected on Kickstarter, and we’re a pretty welcoming lot.

Well, except to some of our own. While we might be united by events, situations, and the kind of games we like, not all gamers are born equal. And by that I mean, not all gamers are born equally irritating. Therefore, it is in public interest that I present to you the four kinds of gamers who should take an arrow to the knee. Or even better, to the face:

1. Completionists

Screen Shot 2014-08-01 at 5.19.49 pm

Everyone knows someone like this. From always bragging about how he or she managed to scour every single achievement in every game played, to dodging a billion lighting bolts in Final Fantasy X and doing every single side-quest in Skyrim, these guys never shut up about their virtual successes. They even use tools like Instagram to further showcase their accomplishments. No surprise then, that the mainstream takes one look at them and labels every gamer as “a loser”.

(See: Final Fantasy X Remastered review: Spira’s looking goooooood)

Favorite genres: role-playing games, strategy, anything to feed a good OCD complex.

Suggested solutions: when faced with completionists, talk about games they’re unfamiliar with. This should shut them up long enough for you to escape being bored to death.

2. Sadists

dark-souls-on-highest-difficulty-challenge-accepted

A throwback from the days of super-tough NES games, the sadist has newfound prominence thanks to games like Dark Souls, Duck Tales: Remastered, and Ikaruga. They’re the sort who believe that running stark naked across Drangleic is a sign of manliness, and feel that Iron Man mode in XCOM is something every game should have. Mutter the words “easy difficulty” in their presence and you’ve done worse than cursing their mothers. You’ll either find them worshipping at the altar of From Software or bitching on gaming forums about how checkpoints and auto-saves are the work of the devil.

(See: 5 ways to not be a quitter in Dark Souls II)

Favorite genres: action, platformer, bullet hell, anything that makes normal gamers throw a controller at the screen in disgust.

Suggested solutions: explain why Dark Souls II is a better game than Dark Souls because it’s more newbie friendly. If done with the right amount of tact (read: none), they should implode.

3. Co-op companions

armyoftwo

Thanks to games like Left 4 Dead and Pay Day: the Heist, we’re now subject to a new breed of pests who always nag you to pre-order or buy the same games they’re buying. Steam’s group discounts don’t make avoiding these unwanted purchases any easier.

Be it MMOs like Wildstar or shooters like Army of Two (remember that one?), genre isn’t a concern so long as they have friends who can join in. The end result is a slew of games that, once bought, are abandoned after the first week of hype has died down, making you wish you spent your money on something else. With the catchphrase: “bro, wanna play?”, ending their sentences, you’d do best to avoid conversations with such gamers, which is tough given that more often than not, they’re good friends.

(See: Wildstar review: the MMORPG that converted me to the genre)

Favorite genres: anything with co-operative or multiplayer mode.

Suggested solutions: avoid all possible contact in real life and on gaming services such as Steam. Don’t reply to them on social media either, for it will be the beginning of the end for your wallet.

4. Writers like this

2011-09-30-Reviewer-22

Yes, this is a meta piece. Writers like yours truly are the worst. And this isn’t just self-deprecation in jest. This is because we end up spending a tremendous amount of time looking at the community and industry, observing its many quirks and peculiarities, hoping that it grows on us. But that isn’t always the case.

We spend way too much time in the gaming echo chamber that is the Internet in search of news high and low. And having spent a tremendous amount of time writing said news, we’ve ended up not having time to play games (unless it’s for a review of course). This makes us an annoyed bunch, because while other gamers of the non-writing variety are busy enjoying The Last of Us at a leisurely pace, we’ve had to blitz through the game so you’d know if it was any good. The result is pent-up angst that spills over into rants like this one.

(See: The Last of Us Remastered review: the best game of 2014 so far is a game from 2013)

Favorite genres: N4G, Reddit, click bait, anything with statistics and numerical value really.

Suggested solutions: there is none. Treat as terminal cases.

(Image sources: 13, 4, 5)


More lists:

[news post_id=169910]


Replies
Read More