Dungeon Keeper review: it’s not bad, it’s disappointing

I was so excited when EA announced that they were re-releasing Dungeon Keeper for iOS and Android, and I was even more excited that I got to review it.

Then I actually played it.

Well this feels familiar

The original Dungeon Keeper is best described as a dungeon management game, where resources must be mined and harvested in order to upgrade and refine your dungeon. There was also a large real-time strategy component and the player could place troops where they were needed and even take control of individual troops to alter the flow of battle. Traps, dungeon layout and devious tactics were all a part of the game.

The original Dungeon Keeper games were original for their time but this is just Clash of the Clans reskinned. In this version, you need gems (shocked?) to speed up massive waiting times, you can attack other dungeons, in insanely dull PvP raids for gold and stone, and they can attack you to steal your gold and stone, the combat is dull and lifeless, but more on that later. You spend resources on upgrading your dungeon’s various parts all of which require huge amounts of waiting. Unless, of course, you are willing to part with your money. ]

Seems a reasonable amount of time to wait.

The really sad thing is that no one seems interested in adding to this genre, so every single one is almost identical to its forebears, I do not care about global rankings, but I was looking forward to building a kickass dungeon and defeating wandering adventures in vile and vicious ways. That’s not going to happen here.

Introducing “Horny” the Horned Reaper

I think this sums up the new Dungeon Keeper nicely, instead of your mentor being only known as the Horned Reaper he is changed to a buffoonish demon named Horny who appears to suffer from Peter Griffin syndrome, also known testicals-instead-of-chin disease.

It’s all done for cheap jokes, there’s no menace here just the occasional dumb one liner from your mentor who will occasionally say things like “I find your interest in chickens disturbing.” Bravo Horny, good one mate.

“Cluck off.” Horny you are just too witty.

So what have we lost?

Let me put this into perspective for you, the original Dungeon Keeper came out in 1997, that’s 17 years ago, and this new mobile version has way less features than the original. Let’s make a list of things we have lost shall we?