I played Diablo III over the past weekend, and my “marathon” confirmed something I’ve long been suspecting. I’m getting too old to game the way I used to.
Are you feeling the same? Here are some warning signs, compiled by a team no longer as young as we used to be.
1. Stretching at intervals is necessary
Or your back will fuse into an amalgamation of sinew, muscle, and bone, and you won’t be able to move after.
2. An all-night gaming marathon < sleep
Playing for eight hours through the night used to be such a treat. Now it’s more like torture. Also, the weekends are the only time you can afford to pay off that sleep debt. Don’t squander them.
3. Games are no longer unaffordable
A long time ago, $60 for a brand new game was unthinkable. But $85 for a collector’s edition copy, now? Sure, which of my three credit cards would you like to swipe? A monthly salary can go towards more than rent, utilities and groceries; it can also go towards games. Suck on that, snotty child begging your parents for the latest CoD in a game store. I can buy it for myself.
4. You just worry about whether you’ll have time to play
Unfortunately the reality is that while you can afford a whole bunch of games, you might not have a whole bunch of time to play them. Your work, your parents, your significant other, your kids, your dog/cat/demon fish: all these elements in your life usually conspire to take you away from your PC or console. And when you do get to play?
5. You get your ass kicked by kids who have tons of free time and are chugging energy drinks
When you work nine to ten hour days (inclusive of commuting time), there is barely enough time to eat and sleep, let alone spend time honing your eye for the crosshair. Who are you, then, to compete with those little hell-devils screaming over their microphones while slurping up energy drinks? Speaking of which…
6. Most pro gamers are so young they look like babies to you
Let’s take League of Legends AD carry Uzi from Chinese team Royal Club Huang Zu. He was born in 1996. And he’s already been a pro for a couple of years! What happened to when we were gaming with people our age?
7. Farming legendaries in Diablo III seems almost trivial compared to what you gotta farm for in real life
And even when you avoid the young punks and delve into less competitive games, you wonder what the grind is for. Aren’t the real-life achievements of a house, a car, and a family tough enough to handle without having to hunt for non-corporeal items, too?
8. You wonder why you’re still playing
You really do. Real life is challenging. It is time-consuming. It is tougher than the toughest, grindiest MMORPG you’ve ever played because unlike the MMORPG, where you can just stop your subscription and uninstall the game, life has no difficulty slider, no cheat code, no weekly hotfixes, and it never stops.