1000 Knights review: what happens when an RTS forgets the S

1000 Knights, Mobage’s new real time strategy game for iOS and Android devices, will have you taking orders from a king that seems to be straight out of a frat and fighting otherworldly monsters in an attempt to rule the whole world inside and out. This RTS may only be available in Japan, but to be honest, you’re not missing much.

Story?

The story goes that while the king was eating a cream puff he had a startling realization. He had control of the whole world, but like the cream puff, there was an entire center that had yet to be seen. WIth this new-found ambition and a lack of concern for safety, the king ordered his 1,000 knights to invade the underworld.

It is here that you will find enormous square blobs, toads, and even dragons that you will have to fight through to claim victory of the world’s center. Each stage will have one hulking monster that will take hundreds of knights to topple. The game starts you off with both sword- and javelin-wielding knights, but as you work your way through stages and or dump large amounts of cash into in-game purchases, you will unlock a whole crew of warriors.

Each stage will start with your castle in perfect condition at the top of the screen and a monster, who is seemingly minding his own business, chilling at the bottom of the screen. You then send 50 knights to go battle the beast. Once your knights reach the monster, they will automatically initiate their attack, and the monster will respond with jumps that bring massive shockwaves. These shockwaves don’t only hurt your knights, but also do damage to your castle.

If you are able to defeat the monster before it destroys your castle or your army is obliterated you win. If not, you lose and are sent back to the castle.

As it is a RTS game, you will spend a large amount of your time watching the game take place, and reacting appropriately. Fortunately, 1000 Knights does a great job of creating colorful and interesting stages that look to be something straight out of a comic book. These colorful backdrops serve to accent the all black knights and monsters. This adds some much needed style to the otherwise simple game.

1000 Knights is not just visually pleasing though, the game does a fairly decent job with its sound as well. The royal music, the childlike battle cries, and even the monster roars all add to the game’s comedic feel.

A simple enough concept, funny king, and interesting visuals and sound should make for a great game right? What could go wrong?

Everything

Oh man. I don’t even know where to begin. 1000 Knights is just plain boring. I actually fell asleep playing through the second level. That’s not a joke, that actually happened. You send your 50 knights out to battle, and when a couple of them fall, you send out more. There is nothing to think about. Nothing to strategize. You simply tap a knight and watch him march to his death.

It would be different if there were some kind of indication of what kind of damage each type of knight was capable of, or if one type of knight was more effective, but as it is all of the knights look to be pretty equal. This makes for one pathetic real-time-STRATEGY game.